“You can’t have adhd”

A slice of my life as an ADHD woman

When people hear “ADHD,” they often think of a hyper little kid bouncing off the walls, fidgeting with everything, or swinging back and forth on a chair hearing the age old “last time a kid swang on their chair they cracked their head open” from the teacher.

But let me tell you…hyperactivity? It’s not just out there in the world. For me, it’s in my head. It’s my brain doing gymnastics, swinging wildly from one thought to the next like Tarzan after some, what I like to call “go juice”. (it’s really just Monster Energy drinks and they taste so so good).

Here’s an example: I start by putting a load of washing on. Then I suddenly remember that I forgot to add next week’s plans to my calendar. My brain goes, “If I don’t do it right this second, I’ll forget again!” So I drop everything, add the calendar event, feel a tiny burst of accomplishment… and then completely abandon the washing. Two hours later: “Oh yeah… That.”

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“But You Don’t Look Like You Have ADHD!” 🙄

If I had a dollar for every time someone hit me with, “You can’t have ADHD, you’re fine! I know people with ADHD and you’re nothing like them!”… I could probably buy a carton of eggs. Maybe two, if I shop around.

But seriously, hearing stuff like that, especially from people I thought got me, makes me want to scream and curl up into a ball. Just because I’ve managed to fumble my way into being functional (or at least looking functional from the outside) does not mean my ADHD doesn’t exist. Honestly? ADHD is why I’m here today, both the good and the bad.

ADHD can be cute and quirky from the outside. You know, “Aw, she’s so distracted, haha!” But spoiler: it’s not so cute when that distraction makes you lose your phone again, rack up late fees, or cancel on plans you really wanted to keep because you melted down. The things people laugh off as “quirks”? They’re often hiding really freaking hard struggles.

It’s funny until it’s not. ADHD is a disability. And like with all disabilities, your environment and personal experiences shape how it affects you. Some people find their groove and thrive; others, like many women (hi 🙋‍♀️), don’t even realise they’re playing life on hard mode until they’re completely burned out wondering why everyone else seems to be cruising along.

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So, What’s It Really Like?

Here’s a small, everyday task: taking a shower. Easy, right? Most people think of it like this:

• Shower 🚿
• Hair wash (if needed) 🧴
• Moisturise 🧴
• Get dressed 👕

Cool, done.

Now here’s my actual process (on a good day, mind you):

• Debate for 10 minutes if I really need a shower (sometimes I tap out here).
• Turn the shower on, so it heats up.
• Get undressed…
• Realise the towels are still in the dryer. Sprint naked through the house to grab them.
• Back in the bathroom, remember that TikTok I saw about dry brushing.
• Start dry brushing while watching the video again to check I’m doing it right.
• Think, “Hmm, I’m wasting water…” and forget to turn off the tap because the brush fell and knocked things over.
• Finally get in the shower.
• Stand under scalding hot water because adjusting it feels like too much effort now.
• Decide NOT to wash my hair because drying it later sounds exhausting (plus my arms hurt from that vaccine I got).
• Wash body.
• Zone out completely because the sound of the water is comforting and my brain loves it here.
• Stay there until my husband pokes his head in and goes, “Everything okay? You’ve been in there a while.” 😅
• Get out, sit on the bathroom floor wrapped in a towel scrolling videos because drying off feels like too much right now.
• Regret not washing my hair.
• Panic because my favourite PJs are still in the wash and those are the ones that make me feel calm.
• Settle for a different pair… but sulk about it.

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The Bottom Line?

ADHD isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s messy and complicated and can look totally different from person to person, day to day, even hour to hour. Some days I’m a productivity machine, smashing through my to-do list and doing 10 things before breakfast. Other days, brushing my teeth feels like climbing a mountain.

So yeah, maybe I “look fine.” But there’s always so much more going on under the surface. And honestly? I’m proud of myself for showing up, no matter what that looks like.